Potty training by Maya

Well Miss Thing decided about a month or so ago that she’s far too old to be in diapers now so I guess it was time to start potty-training her.  And since she already knows everything there’s very little I’ve had to do.  I am not allowed to bring her the step stool or put the potty seat on the toilet for her; she can do that herself.  If I pick her up and put her on the potty, she promptly hops down and says “I do it”, and will step on her stool and scoot herself onto the seat on her own terms.  However I MUST sit there with her; if I even think about getting up to grab something while I’m waiting for her to finish her business she shouts “HEY!”, then points to the side of the tub and says “cuh back” (come back!).  Damn, I’m busted!

Each trip to the bathroom is quite extensive, regardless of what business she needs to do. 
1.  Grab the stool so she can step up to the toilet
2.  Grab the training seat and put it on
3.  Turn the training seat around cuz she prefers to sit with the seat on BACKWARDS
4.  Step up to the toilet
5.  Turn around and get down cuz she remembers she forgot to pull her pants down
6.  Hike up her shirt and suck in her belly so she can find her pants and her underwear and pull them right off.  Can’t just leave them around the ankles; they have to be yanked right off and thrown onto the floor.
7.  Step on stool and wiggle butt backwards onto the toilet.
8.  Look around for something to do.  Spin the toilet paper roll, yank off a square of TP and rip it to shreds and throw it onto the floor instead of into the toilet, grab baby wipes from back of toilet and pull out 5 or 6 wipes to start cleaning the toilet then try wiping your own butt with them before Mommy screams in disgust, argue with Mommy that there’s really nothing wrong with cleaning the toilet then using the wipe on your own bits, give up argument, look for a magazine to read, throw them all on the floor looking for one she hasn’t read yet.
9.  Start grunting.  “Noh cuh-ing” (not coming).
10.  Start chattering.  Ask Mommy questions and if she understands and answers, ask the question again.  And again.  And again.  And maybe one more time.
11.  Stare blankly into space.  Either pee or poo.  Smile and/or make shocked facial expression.
12.  Get up off toilet to see what’s in there.  Point too far into toilet, nearly touching the water and grossing out Mommy.
13.  Grab TP from Mommy’s hand, which was already pre-wadded, and continue to wad for about 5-8 rotations.
14.  Wipe and throw into toilet whie Mommy grabs more TP to finish up what was left behind.
15.  Flush
16.  Get back onto toilet to do more.  Repeat procedure til everything has been expelled.
17.  Wash hand and brush teeth.  After EACH trip to the bathroom.
18.  Run out of bathroom half-naked, laughing as Mommy tries to catch her to redress her.

What’s Daddy’s take on potty-training?  Throw her in a pull-up and if she asks to use the bathroom then fine; otherwise the pull-up will deal with it so he doesn’t have to. 

Secret Identity

Matthew and I were playing “Spongebob” the other day.  He was Spongebob and I was Patrick and Squidward, and the game really just involves us using their voices in our regular conversations.  So naturally since Matthew made up the game he gets to be the main character, and I have to play the blithering idiot and the crotchety neighbour.  I guess in his rotten little mind it seemed fitting.  So what about Maya?  He couldn’t decide who she should be.  I look down at her as she’s standing there with a look of concentration on her face like she’s gonna do something bad soon.  Then it hits me.  Plankton!  It’s perfect!  They’re both small and always plotting something.  So guess what she’s gonna be for Hallowe’en this year?

Fashion Police

I dressed Maya up the other day in shorts and a t-shirt, along with her panties (she’s refusing to wear diapers these days).  After a trip to the bathroom she put her panties back on but flat-out refused to wear the shorts.  She reamed me out in baby gibberish and I was at a loss as to what her problem was.  After fighting with her to get dressed I’d had enough and put her in her crib for not listening.  I went back in after a minute or so and asked her if she was ready to get dressed, to which she nodded yes.  I bring the shorts over and she backs up into the corner, whining and shaking her head no.  A lightbulb goes off in my head.  “You don’t want to wear these shorts honey?” I asked her.  She shakes her head “no”.  Hmmmmm.  “Do you want to wear a dress instead?” and she nods yes.  OK we’ll see if that’s really what she wants.  I bring out a dress from the closet and bring it over.  Her face lights up with a huge smile and she squeals “Dess!”.  We put it on and she happily prances out of her room playing with the skirt.  I guess even little babies need to feel pretty occasionally.