Spider-Maya

My daughter learned to climb chain-link fences today. Ugh!

It started at Grampa’s house, where she was trying to get the attention of the neighbour’s dog and was repeatedly ignored. Not one to let things slide, Maya stuck her feet in the holes of the fence and worked her way to the top and was about to swing a leg over when I bellowed at full volume to GET DOWN RIGHT NOW! She got down and tried to explain that the doggie not talking a her ‘n’ she only wanna give da doggie a stick but doggie no answer her. I reiterated that she is to never climb up a fence again, and thought that was the end of that.

Then after school the kids and I went to the neighbourhood park which is boardered by a Catholic school, which also has a chain link fence. I thought nothing of it, fully confident in my parenting abilities and the rules I had set out earlier in the day regarding fences. I saw her playing near the fence with a bunch of kids and everything seemed good, so I continued to talk with some of the other Moms at the park. Mid-conversation I glance across the park to see this little blonde haired, blue t-shirted, orange Croc’d Spiderman-impersonating menace scaling the bloody fence to get to the schoolyard. Seeing as how I’m stiff and sore from back troubles, dog-tired and not moving very fast, and wearing Crocs myself which prevent me from chasing even a turtle, I shouted out loud enough so EVERYONE in the park heard “MAYA GET OFF THAT FENCE NOW!” as I’m speed-walking as fast as my tree-trunk legs and feet in Crocs would allow me to go without falling (fat) ass-over-apple-cart in front of everyone and embarrassing myself. She got off the fence and I thought I made my point, so I headed back to the Moms section. For whatever reason halfway back I turned my head to look at Maya, who had decided that she’ll do what she’s told and not climb the fence but cleverly came up with another tactic I hadn’t thought of: crawling UNDER the fence. I called out to her to get out of there but by the time I got to her she had already crawled beneath the fence like a damn puppy and was on the other side so I couldn’t get to her. I was so pissed I growled “you get back over to this side of the fence right now or so-help-me-God…”. “But I can’t Mommy. I can’t get under der again”. I said “You managed to get yourself over there and you get your butt back over here right now even if it means you have to tear your shirt and scrape your back in the process”. Umm, yeah I was pretty pissed by now. That seemed to inspire her to find the will and the way and she quite easily snuck back under the fence and back to me, where I asked her “What on Earth would make you think it was a good idea to leave the park and go into a schoolyard that’s fenced off so I can’t get to you?”. Her answer? “I yooking for cadderpiyyers Mommy. Der’s no more at da park an I yooking over der for dem and dat girl over der did it an she ahready gotted some cadderpiyyers and dey’re gonna be all gone Mommy an I just wanna pay wiff dem too Mommy.”. She had a very good point there. So after I did the whole “just because someone does something doesn’t mean you get to do it because you already knew it was wrong” speech (I’m saving the if-your-friend-jumped-off-a-bridge-would-you-think-it’s-a-good-idea-and-jump-off-too speech for later), took her by the hand and made the Walk-of-Shame back to the other mothers, who watched me every step of the way and didn’t say a word.

The whole time, Matthew and his (girl) friends were playing near the sewer grate.

Spider-Maya, Spider-Maya, does whatever a Spider-Maya does. Can she swing, from a web? Probably but hasn’t thought of it yet. Look out, cuz here comes Spider-Maya!

Maya’s Fairytale

Maya wanted me to tell her a story today, but not read one from a book; I had to think of the darn thing myself!  This is a talent I just do not have.  Here’s the best that I could do:

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl named Maya.  She had ketchup all over her face from her hot dog, peed on the potty two times that day and really liked to jump on beds.  She had a big brother named Matthew and a very strong, secure sense-of-self.  She loved kisses and hugs from her Mommy, being tossed in the air by her Daddy, and playing with her brother’s Transformers.  And we all loved her very much.  The End.

See?  Not the most creative story in the world but she was a big fan

Lost in Translation

Matthew had a problem the other day and after finally finding out what it was, he wanted Daddy to know but didn’t want to say anything. I asked him if he wanted me to talk to him and he nodded yes. Then another problem came up a few days later; he wanted a peanut butter and jam sandwich for breakfast but Daddy insisted he eat the eggs he was making that morning. Matthew came up to me, told me the problem, and asked very seriously “Can you talk to him?”. I guess I need to explain the difference between a real “problem” and a petty annoyance.

Marriage according to a 5-yr-old

We were at a store today and passed by some fancy dresses for little girls. Matthew said they were wedding dresses so girls can go to weddings. Then he turned to me and announced that he’s going to marry Chanel, and there will be flowers, babies, and candy. LOL. I hope he keeps his expectations this low when his time comes.

First taunt at school :(

I just found out tonight that some kid the other day called my little boy a name at school. “Underpants”. Some kid called him underpants! And hurt his feelings so bad it “crippled my heart” he says. And why did this kid feel it necessary to tease my son? Because Matthew kinda sucks at colouring and just basically scribbles. Nice. So I hugged my baby boy and told him some kids like to make themselves feel good by making other kids feel bad, and if he wants we can start practicing his colouring so he gets better at it. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or if it made my baby feel better and I guess I’ll probably never know. Matthew did tell his teacher and the other kid apologized but I’m sorry, the Mama Bear in me wants to go to that school yard on Tuesday and ream this kid out!

Life just isn’t fair sometimes

We had a nice thaw last week, which gave the kids and I a chance to start chiseling away at some of the ice and snow that plagues our driveway. Over the course of two days I’d say we got maybe half the driveway done, then our area got pelted with a flash freeze and freezing rain and ice pellets. D’oh!

The next day the kids and I went outside for something, and were met by a sheet of ice on the driveway with a fresh dusting of snow on top. My son was displeased. He flailed his arms up and down and shouted “WHAT??? THIS STUPID SNOW! WE JUST CLEANED THIS ALL UP YESTERDAY!!!”. Then he stomped off into the house.

I guess one of the life lessons I’ve neglected to teach him is that Mother Nature can be a real bitch.

The New Math

Can anyone resolve this one?

2 twin beds
2 kids who both want Mommy to cuddle them back to sleep
1 mother

???????????

5 years ago…

5 years ago…

- the most amazing baby boy was born
- I was a scared 29-yr-old first-time Mommy
- I went from being “Chrissy” to being “Mommy”
- everything I ever thought I knew about raising kids was about to be proven wrong!
- you made us a family
- was the last time our house was clean! 
- was my last full-night’s sleep
- was when I truly learned how to love somebody more than yourself

Matthew, each day you give me more reasons to smile, laugh, cry, worry and look forward to life.  I love you more than I can ever put into words.  You’ve proven that there must be a God because He gave me you. 

Happy 5th Birthday Baby Shmear!

Why boys need their Daddies

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I gotta say that I’m a pretty good Mom who’s good at a lot of things; I play with my kids at the park instead of just taking them there and sitting on a bench, I do crafts with them to let them explore their creativity and hone their fine motor skills, I read stories and ask them questions, cuddle them in their beds at night when they beg, and let them “help” me with things around the house even though it means I have to do things 2 and 3 times over trying to fix what they did. I am, however, at a total loss when it comes to playing with Matthew and his Transformers. Ugh! Why don’t these things come with instructions? And why must they transform into such complicated cars and robots instead of a damn box or something simple? Geez a Rubik’s cube is easier than these things! Poor little Matthew asks me to transform his toys for him,  I try for a second or two and give up when he starts giving me crap about how I’m doing it backwards or putting the leg on the damn thing’s head and we’re both thoroughly frustrated and annoyed with the other.  Sorry baby boy, but if these things ever come with hair that needs to be brushed or braided I’m your go-to gal .  Til then, you’ll have to wait til your Daddy gets home.

Opinions, advice, and things better left unsaid

So am I the only one who’s been subjected to “helpful hints” and/or “constructive criticism” with regards to my parenting skills lately?  More and more these days I’m hearing “If I were you…”,  ”I’d never let my kids do that”, “do you always let them talk to you like that?”, and my favourite “you should_____________”.  Then there are the personal attacks: “behaviour like yours destroys children”, “they’re learning all their bad behaviours when you____________________”, ”I would never speak to my kids that way”, “she obviously can’t control her own kids”, and “why on earth would you let them __________________?”.   Here are my answers and/or rebuttals to the unsolicited questions/advice I’ve received:

1.  Kids are human beings with their own brains and personalities.  Despite my best efforts mine will use their own brains to make decisions and act on them.  I’ve done my best to advise and guide them but ultimately, even though they’re little, they’re the ones who have chosen to act a certain way.  They’re not robots.
2.  They’re trying to find their way in the world, even at (nearly) 5 and 2 1/2 years of age respectively, and are testing the boundaries.  Did nobody read those chapters in the parenting books you seem to get your do’s and don’ts from?
3.  I let my kids make mistakes so they can learn about consequences.  You may have just seen the mistake but haven’t seen the consequence.  Or maybe you saw the consequence without seeing the mistake.  Either way, I don’t always have to give anyone an explanation.
4.  I’m human too and make mistakes.  I didn’t memorize a parenting manual before I had my kids like some others seem to think THEY have.  Plus those parenting books are all theory; putting them into practice is much harder than you’d think if you’ve never had to do it yourself.
5.  You’ve either made mistakes with your kids or you haven’t had a chance to make any yet with yours.  Either way, judge not lest ye be judged.
6.  My kids are allowed to think or feel whatever they want, so leave them (and me) alone if they’re upset about something you think is no big deal.  Everyone has a right to their feelings, even little kids.  They’re still learning how to deal with theirs.  Hell half the time I don’t know what to do with my own feelings and I’m 34 years old!
7.  My priorities are probably different than yours, but no less valid.  You may have think having a spotless home and home-cooked meals on the table every night makes you the perfect parent but you have no time to spend with your kids.  I however think a mess is a mess sometimes, and if eating out of cans or calling for pizza a few nights a week allows my home to be a little less stressed and gives me more time with my family to me THAT is more important.

Deep down people, I think I’m a pretty good Mom.  I have faults just like everybody else, but I love my kids dearly and any mistakes I make with them I fix the best I can.  Criticism hurts, even if one tries to laugh it off.  And if someone doesn’t ask you for your opinion or advice, I suggest keeping it to yourself because you really don’t know how much damage, no matter how well-intended, your words of wisdom are really doing.

BTW this isn’t meant for any one person in particular as a few people have been doing it.  And I don’t think it’s a reflection of my parenting skills or style.  I’ve said for years that once you become pregnant you become public property and everybody’s whipping post.  It’s not just me that’s the problem.